Q. How do you feel more confident in the bedroom, whether you’re single or in a relationship?

A. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume this question is asking about S.E.X and isn’t referring to pajama choices… although, that could play a role in increasing confidence!

There are a few aspects to consider in what might constitute confidence in the bedroom. This could be referring to one’s self, such as body image and overall body comfort ex. shape, size, smell. Or to one’s function during sexual activity ex. fluids, noises. Or to one’s, let’s call it, sexual prowess.

Like all issues surrounding sex, it’s intersectional. Chances are, someone’s gender, sex, sexuality, age etc…because of social messaging, has a significant influence on their confidence in sex matters, and how they might feel about all of the above. So, it’s challenging to assign an overriding answer. But let’s begin with the easy stuff - sexual skill.

As discussed in previous posts, pleasurable sex with others is more about communication, collaboration and compatibility, than skill, per se. I invite you to check out the suggestions in this post, but in addition to that - masturbate. Make masturbation part of the quality time you spend with yourself, in an intentional and present way. This applies whether you’re single or in a relationship(s). The more you know how to access pleasure on your own, the more you will feel empowered to explore it with yourself and others.

To address the more psychological aspects of confidence with sex - taking control and ownership of the narrative of your self-worth, what’s sexy to you, and practicing self-acceptance/self-love is a really great start.

I doubt if there was ever a time “easier said than done” was more applicable, but I would argue this is the greatest sex skill of all.

This might require therapy. This might require daily affirmations (see below for a sample activity). This might require research and exploration/exposure into ideas and images of bodies like your own, doing things you find sexy. (Instagram is a great tool for this, but also check out feminist porn/erotic literature).

Ultimately, part of self-acceptance is acknowledging that self-love and confidence on a daily basis is not always possible. It’s an ideal, and ideals are like the sun. We turn towards them, we grow towards them, and they nourish our journey.

Have a question for bitty bits?! Holler at me here!

*Self-Love Note Affirmations Activity

Make a list of all the ways you want to feel ex. Valued, beautiful, powerful etc. Once you have a list, recite them daily, as “I am xyz”.

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